According to Purple Women http://purplewomenblog.blogspot.com/2007/11/purple-women-get-bloggy-on-november-15.html
it is childfree women blogging day! It never occured to me that there is a day for me, even though at least here in Bangalore we just got finished with children's day and there is mother's day and father's day. And really there isn't a day that celebrates NOT having kids.
In SF it felt like most of the people around me did not have kids, and here it is the opposite, it seems like almost everyone has kids. Our apt bldg is filled with kids, and our housecleaner can not stop harping on the you should have babies theme song. In the US the pressure on me to have kids was non-existent, but in India I think the pressure is huge. Somehow I ended up reading a bunch of mom blogs here. I don't even come across the childfree by choice thing here. And so many of the people writing the blogs refer to themselves and kidname's Mom, and I feel like their identity is so wrapped up in their kids
Anyway, I love my life without kids. It feels free to me. I am free to do my art projects or be creative in lots of ways. No custody battles where someone uses my behavior against me. No raging debates on how to raise a kid. The energy leftover from not having all of that is very nice. I get to be online lots. I only have to support myself. I'm in my relationship because I want to be, not for the kids. Sometimes it feels like so much in society is done for the sake of the children. I wish I could get away from that.
It is rare that I think about it, really, but it is such a huge decision. And it is so good for me. I am happy to have nieces and nephews and other kids I am friends with, but at the end of the day, they aren't mine. I like the adult life.
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9 comments:
Fair Enough. But not everyone has children because they HAVE to, not even in India. They do so because they want to, because children bring in an entirely new perspective both to life and to your own identity.
I find it weird how more and more people are getting annoyed by mommy blogs, really how does it bother the childfree ones (even THAT is an identity you know, that is defined by children. Childless, Childfree are all tags!) I don't mean you btw!
Oh well. There's always the other side and I'm that mommy blogger, the kind you talk about, after all :)
Debbie. It takes courage to make a decision to go against the current, and its great tht you have made it. And its a good thing you seem to have the guts to stick by your decision, for God help a situation where you gave into pressure and had a child against your principles!
But please...don't ever make the mistake of thinking that people who are invested in their kids do not have an identity of their own. There is something new and entirely fulfilling in living for another, rather than just taking care of your own selfish interests day in and out.BY YOU, I don't mean you, but generically speaking.
If everone of us thought this way, therewould be no hope for the world tomorrow!
Debbie. It takes courage to make a decision to go against the current, and its great tht you have made it. And its a good thing you seem to have the guts to stick by your decision, for God help a situation where you gave into pressure and had a child against your principles!
But please...don't ever make the mistake of thinking that people who are invested in their kids do not have an identity of their own. There is something new and entirely fulfilling in living for another, rather than just taking care of your own selfish interests day in and out.BY YOU, I don't mean you, but generically speaking.
If everone of us thought this way, therewould be no hope for the world tomorrow!
Tharini,
The term "selfish" is what makes the choice a bit difficult for those women who do not want to have kids.
I didn't want to have kids. I did not. I wanted kid. I am pregnant now. End of story. I do not justify the first option, not then not now. I do not justify my current option either. Certainly not because of the society or to fulfill my life.
As I was one of those women who did not want child for a quite long time, I can totally understand What Debbie says. What I understand from debbie's word that when someone refers themselves as X's mom, they do say by losing their identity. It is similar to daughter of, wife of, and now mother of. A mother is proud of her child and wants to be called as mother of - fine.
Poppins, How many of Indian mothers give a thinking and "choose" the option to have babies. It is by default in our society, isn't it? I do not think child brings any new perspective or any new identity.
regarding some other bloggers who wrote against mommy bloggers, that posts/content/tone are different from debbie's.
Childfree is not an identity.
Tharini, on a lighter note (not that any of my above statements are anything to be taken seriously :-) ), why do we need to have the world tomorrow? if it dies, let it die! :-)
Just for the record, I am not annoyed by mommy blogs. Celebrating not being a mom is not the same as saying you shouldn't celebrate being a mom.
I think it is good to show the positive sides of not having a child - it isn't talked about nearly enough - and I would want each person who is thinking about whether or not to have a child to be able to read different points of view.
I don't think not having a child is anymore selfish than having a child. To be honest when women have more children than they can afford to raise, well that looks like the most selfish to me - it certainly does not seem to benefit the child.
Anyway, I like your blog Poppins, mostly because I love reading your honest reactions to situations like your inlaws, or not getting enough time for yourself or your relationship with your family. And the US/India stuff is interesting to me too.
Childfree is one identity, not my main identity, but there are others who feel more strongly about it.
There are many ways of finding a fulfilling life without doing it through another person.
@Premalatha: Congratulations on your pregnancy. Have the baby, then we'll talk about perspectives ;)
@Debbie: Peace. I get what you're saying, I do. All I'm saying is that just like being childfree is an identity, but not the main one. Having a child is an identity too, but not my only one. Sure it might be my only blogging identity (then again I blog about lots of other stuff), but that's temporary and only one side of me. Believe me I enjoy life as much as anyone else.
I would never say that a childless woman is selfish and I am positive Tharini wouldn't either. She was just saying that having a child teaches us lesser mortals to put the needs of another human before our own.
More evolved people need not have kids to learn that, nor should they need to want to learn it. It does not make you any less a human being nor are we claiming that it makes us better humans !
But you don't have to be anybody's mother. What I enjoy about most of the mothers who are blogging in the communities I visit is that they had their kids when they chose to.
Recently a lot of them did posts about how they found out that the kid was on the way. Almost all said that it was planned or hoped for.
I know this is not uniform throughout society, but very few mothers who have been forced into it blog.
My main point though is a little different. You're in a relationship, right? Take it from me, having a boyfriend and a baby aren't all that different in terms of demands and added responsibilities. I lived by myself for 5 years and lived a happily self-centred life. That went out with the husband, not the child! :)
This whole matter seems a bit funny:)
I think having no kids is fun and having kids are also fun.I enjoyed my life when i didnt have a kid,now i enjoy having a kid.Will i ever consider of having one more kid?Never.
Take it easy and lets enjoy life in whatever state we are in,with kids or without kids:)
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